It is difficult to know what to do and what not to do when it comes to raising kids. You can find conflicting bits of advice regarding pretty much every aspect of parenting so I try to use scientifically backed information and a good dose of logic to make my parenting decisions.
This led to the following conviction: you cannot teach your child anything amid a meltdown or expression of big feelings.
When a child is experiencing big emotions or having a meltdown, their nervous system goes into “fight or flight.” When a child or adult’s nervous system is in “fight or flight,” blood drains from the prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for judgment, reason, decision-making, and reactions. They literally cannot reason, so as tempting as it may be, don’t try to.
Help them regulate instead. Calmly acknowledge their emotions and ask if they’d like to hug, draw, or wash their hands. Sensory activities, actions that engage the senses, help bring the nervous system back to equilibrium. It can be hard to stay calm and regulate your child when you are not regulated. Try to calm yourself before approaching your child.
Once the meltdown is a thing of the past, you can bring up the big feelings and curiously inquire without shaming your child. Help them label the feelings they were having and try to identify the trigger. Next, work together to find what to do next time something like this happens. The more we help them prepare, the better they’ll get at managing big feelings.
Pro Tip: If you didn’t successfully stay calm and aren’t proud of how you reacted, talk to your child about the situation. Don’t be afraid to apologize. And remember, no parent is perfect.
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